Positive light

I am the first to admit that all my life I have been a very negative person, and that is based on experiences I have had. I have always suffered from depression, and that, I believe has contributed majorly to my life, and how I deal with and perceive things that happen. Always looking at the negative doesn't do a person any good, and I have been trying to be more open minded, optimistic, and positive. It is a struggle, but the more you do it the more it works. If you make enough of an effort to do something, you will accomplish it. Obviously it comes with a lot of work, and it may seem useless at the time when you are not feeling so good, but it is so worth it.I have been looking at every situation an pulling out positive aspects of it. I even do this with not so good experiences. By doing this, I have noticed that the more and more I do it, the less of an effort I have to make  because I have started doing it more and more naturally.                

 Yesterday for example I hung out with a guy who I thought could be a possible match, we had fun and talked and he is a nice guy, but I started to realize through the couple hours that I was with him that we really don't match. I didn't care for his personality, he seemed a little controlling, he was very paranoid about little things, and he talked about his ex girlfriend almost the whole time.  I realized through this that I don't want to see him again. 

In the past I would beat my self up and think that there was something wrong with me. I would read too much into every little teeny tiny detail and make my self feel worse. He took me home and when I got home I started thinking about the night. I looked for anything positive that happened over the night and I made a list in my head. 

1.) We did have fun, 2.) It was nice to get out of the house, 3.) talking to him was good conversation, 4.) I did not let him have sex with me. I'm so proud of myself for that! Iv'e seen him twice and I denied him both times. Not because I didn't necessarily want to, but because It never worked in my past experiences, and it feels like crap when you sleep with someone who you are trying to possibly date, and they don't exist afterwards. At least to me it's not a good feeling. I'm learning from my past mistakes and becoming a better person because of it. I could have came home and listed all the things that I didn't like and all the things that were annoying, but that doesn't get you anywhere. Doing that, just makes you feel worse, and then you start to spiral down into that dark world of negativity. 

I'm so proud of myself on the changes that I'm making and it feels so good. This is life and there will be negative things, but looking at the positive in every situation helps you be more positive and by doing that you will start to realize that you can make the best out of everything and be happy. 

Other things that help me.

1.) Doing things I love to do; gardening, interaction with friends, being with my two babies( cat, dog), reading, being outside, decorating, and being creative. That is so helpful to feeling good.

2.) Surrounding my self with positive people.

3.) Exploring new things. 

4.) being open minded and trying to understand things I don't agree with, but just realizing that I don't have to like it, but learning is good.

5.) take care of your self physically (I need to work a lot more on this one.) 

6.) don't worry about money, life isn't revolved around fancy things. They don't make you happy, and as long as I have enough to get by I am fine.

7.) If I fall down, it happens. Pick myself up and try try again. Nobody said life was easy. hard work pays off  ( working on it)

Make a list for yourself, do the things, look at the positive in all situations, and be a happy person. 

I hope this can help someone else. Thank you so much for supporting my blog. 

(Vinny, 1.5 years)

Me:)

Baby Vinny giving momma kisses :)

Have a great day from Kourtnie and Vinny :)

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Happy Saturday!

Trying my best

I have a lot of issues in my life that I have been working on quite rigorously for the past year and a half. Aside the fact of being transgender and dealing with all that comes with that, I suffer from depression and Bi polar disorder. I have always suffered from depression, but within the last year it has been the toughest time I have ever had to endure.
Although things are starting to look up for me, I'm still un-happy almost everyday, and It comes in patches.
last year, I was hospitalized for the depression and what I came to find out my bi-polar disorder.  I started an extensive full time outpatient therapy program through the hospital and had to drop out of school to attend. During that time, I went through extensive therapy and medication changes, and I seemed to feel better when on a new medication. The medication only lasted so long, and I started falling back into my old patterns. To fix this my medication would be changed again a few more times with similar results. I would feel better for a few months and then it would stop.
 A few months ago, out of no where I attempted suicide, took a bottle of pills that I had regretted right when I did it, I was rushed to the emergency room for the 3rd time in a year, and it is really one of the worst feelings you could ever feel. I was feeling relatively fine, not too good and not too bad, which is normal for me.
  I was in the hospital overnight and convinced the doctors to let me go the next afternoon, I had taken a bottle of Anti anxiety medication, feeling at the time that nobody would even notice if I was alive or dead. A week later I was on a new medication which I'm still taking, which has seemed to be pretty decent so far. A couple weeks in the doctor told me to raise my dosage and about a week after that I started to feel over medicated, and my behavior got more impulsive and I was sleeping a lot more and feeling more crappy. I spoke to my doctor and got the "ok" to lower my dosage back to the previous dose.
   Ever since then I have felt good at times and really crappy at times, at least a portion of everyday has me depressed. I'm eating healthier and trying to exercise which helps in the moment but it doesn't last very long. My mood is very up and down and I'm doing everything that I can including meditating, which like I said isn't lasting all that long.

  In May 2013, halfway into my therapy program, I needed money. I started working as a webcam performer which is basically live solo pornography. Ever since it has been my full-time source of income, and I hate it so much. It is so degrading, the website takes most of the money, and it makes me very un-happy. So I know this is contributing a lot to my state of being. Since I'm transgender, and I believe discriminated against, it has been very hard for me to find normal employment. I stopped trying for a while and just gave up, but recently started up the job search because what I'm doing now is just now working for me anymore. I'm not happy with it, it's not the most reliable, most of the money that I bring in goes to the website, I get 35%, and I'm home all day doing something I don't enjoy.
 
 I have been trying to get into school, because I want to do the Pharmacy technician program, but I haven't had any luck. I don't qualify for financial aid because I'm under 24 . They base it off of your parents income when you are under 24 regardless if you live with or separate from your parents. It makes me angry because I'm stuck right now and can't better myself education wise all because my step-father, who isn't my actual father, makes too much money. I support my self completely with no help from anybody and I cant get help to go to school, because a man who is not my father makes too much money, I'm sorry but its bullshit. I have applied to 3 different schools with all the same things holding me back. I qualified for loans but, they only covered less than half of the program.
   So now its a waiting game, and the next best thing I can do is to find a better job that gets me interacting with people and doesn't make me unhappy. In the meantime I have applied to volunteer at a thrift store and I'm waiting to hear back.

So I'm going to continue to make positive choices even though it might not feel like anything gets better. These things take time, but it has been a long time coming for me.

Thank you to whom ever reads this.