I have a lot of issues in my life that I have been working on quite rigorously for the past year and a half. Aside the fact of being transgender and dealing with all that comes with that, I suffer from depression and Bi polar disorder. I have always suffered from depression, but within the last year it has been the toughest time I have ever had to endure.
Although things are starting to look up for me, I'm still un-happy almost everyday, and It comes in patches.
last year, I was hospitalized for the depression and what I came to find out my bi-polar disorder. I started an extensive full time outpatient therapy program through the hospital and had to drop out of school to attend. During that time, I went through extensive therapy and medication changes, and I seemed to feel better when on a new medication. The medication only lasted so long, and I started falling back into my old patterns. To fix this my medication would be changed again a few more times with similar results. I would feel better for a few months and then it would stop.
A few months ago, out of no where I attempted suicide, took a bottle of pills that I had regretted right when I did it, I was rushed to the emergency room for the 3rd time in a year, and it is really one of the worst feelings you could ever feel. I was feeling relatively fine, not too good and not too bad, which is normal for me.
I was in the hospital overnight and convinced the doctors to let me go the next afternoon, I had taken a bottle of Anti anxiety medication, feeling at the time that nobody would even notice if I was alive or dead. A week later I was on a new medication which I'm still taking, which has seemed to be pretty decent so far. A couple weeks in the doctor told me to raise my dosage and about a week after that I started to feel over medicated, and my behavior got more impulsive and I was sleeping a lot more and feeling more crappy. I spoke to my doctor and got the "ok" to lower my dosage back to the previous dose.
Ever since then I have felt good at times and really crappy at times, at least a portion of everyday has me depressed. I'm eating healthier and trying to exercise which helps in the moment but it doesn't last very long. My mood is very up and down and I'm doing everything that I can including meditating, which like I said isn't lasting all that long.
In May 2013, halfway into my therapy program, I needed money. I started working as a webcam performer which is basically live solo pornography. Ever since it has been my full-time source of income, and I hate it so much. It is so degrading, the website takes most of the money, and it makes me very un-happy. So I know this is contributing a lot to my state of being. Since I'm transgender, and I believe discriminated against, it has been very hard for me to find normal employment. I stopped trying for a while and just gave up, but recently started up the job search because what I'm doing now is just now working for me anymore. I'm not happy with it, it's not the most reliable, most of the money that I bring in goes to the website, I get 35%, and I'm home all day doing something I don't enjoy.
I have been trying to get into school, because I want to do the Pharmacy technician program, but I haven't had any luck. I don't qualify for financial aid because I'm under 24 . They base it off of your parents income when you are under 24 regardless if you live with or separate from your parents. It makes me angry because I'm stuck right now and can't better myself education wise all because my step-father, who isn't my actual father, makes too much money. I support my self completely with no help from anybody and I cant get help to go to school, because a man who is not my father makes too much money, I'm sorry but its bullshit. I have applied to 3 different schools with all the same things holding me back. I qualified for loans but, they only covered less than half of the program.
So now its a waiting game, and the next best thing I can do is to find a better job that gets me interacting with people and doesn't make me unhappy. In the meantime I have applied to volunteer at a thrift store and I'm waiting to hear back.
So I'm going to continue to make positive choices even though it might not feel like anything gets better. These things take time, but it has been a long time coming for me.
Thank you to whom ever reads this.
