Positive light

I am the first to admit that all my life I have been a very negative person, and that is based on experiences I have had. I have always suffered from depression, and that, I believe has contributed majorly to my life, and how I deal with and perceive things that happen. Always looking at the negative doesn't do a person any good, and I have been trying to be more open minded, optimistic, and positive. It is a struggle, but the more you do it the more it works. If you make enough of an effort to do something, you will accomplish it. Obviously it comes with a lot of work, and it may seem useless at the time when you are not feeling so good, but it is so worth it.I have been looking at every situation an pulling out positive aspects of it. I even do this with not so good experiences. By doing this, I have noticed that the more and more I do it, the less of an effort I have to make  because I have started doing it more and more naturally.                

 Yesterday for example I hung out with a guy who I thought could be a possible match, we had fun and talked and he is a nice guy, but I started to realize through the couple hours that I was with him that we really don't match. I didn't care for his personality, he seemed a little controlling, he was very paranoid about little things, and he talked about his ex girlfriend almost the whole time.  I realized through this that I don't want to see him again. 

In the past I would beat my self up and think that there was something wrong with me. I would read too much into every little teeny tiny detail and make my self feel worse. He took me home and when I got home I started thinking about the night. I looked for anything positive that happened over the night and I made a list in my head. 

1.) We did have fun, 2.) It was nice to get out of the house, 3.) talking to him was good conversation, 4.) I did not let him have sex with me. I'm so proud of myself for that! Iv'e seen him twice and I denied him both times. Not because I didn't necessarily want to, but because It never worked in my past experiences, and it feels like crap when you sleep with someone who you are trying to possibly date, and they don't exist afterwards. At least to me it's not a good feeling. I'm learning from my past mistakes and becoming a better person because of it. I could have came home and listed all the things that I didn't like and all the things that were annoying, but that doesn't get you anywhere. Doing that, just makes you feel worse, and then you start to spiral down into that dark world of negativity. 

I'm so proud of myself on the changes that I'm making and it feels so good. This is life and there will be negative things, but looking at the positive in every situation helps you be more positive and by doing that you will start to realize that you can make the best out of everything and be happy. 

Other things that help me.

1.) Doing things I love to do; gardening, interaction with friends, being with my two babies( cat, dog), reading, being outside, decorating, and being creative. That is so helpful to feeling good.

2.) Surrounding my self with positive people.

3.) Exploring new things. 

4.) being open minded and trying to understand things I don't agree with, but just realizing that I don't have to like it, but learning is good.

5.) take care of your self physically (I need to work a lot more on this one.) 

6.) don't worry about money, life isn't revolved around fancy things. They don't make you happy, and as long as I have enough to get by I am fine.

7.) If I fall down, it happens. Pick myself up and try try again. Nobody said life was easy. hard work pays off  ( working on it)

Make a list for yourself, do the things, look at the positive in all situations, and be a happy person. 

I hope this can help someone else. Thank you so much for supporting my blog. 

(Vinny, 1.5 years)

Me:)

Baby Vinny giving momma kisses :)

Have a great day from Kourtnie and Vinny :)

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Happy Saturday!

Trying my best

I have a lot of issues in my life that I have been working on quite rigorously for the past year and a half. Aside the fact of being transgender and dealing with all that comes with that, I suffer from depression and Bi polar disorder. I have always suffered from depression, but within the last year it has been the toughest time I have ever had to endure.
Although things are starting to look up for me, I'm still un-happy almost everyday, and It comes in patches.
last year, I was hospitalized for the depression and what I came to find out my bi-polar disorder.  I started an extensive full time outpatient therapy program through the hospital and had to drop out of school to attend. During that time, I went through extensive therapy and medication changes, and I seemed to feel better when on a new medication. The medication only lasted so long, and I started falling back into my old patterns. To fix this my medication would be changed again a few more times with similar results. I would feel better for a few months and then it would stop.
 A few months ago, out of no where I attempted suicide, took a bottle of pills that I had regretted right when I did it, I was rushed to the emergency room for the 3rd time in a year, and it is really one of the worst feelings you could ever feel. I was feeling relatively fine, not too good and not too bad, which is normal for me.
  I was in the hospital overnight and convinced the doctors to let me go the next afternoon, I had taken a bottle of Anti anxiety medication, feeling at the time that nobody would even notice if I was alive or dead. A week later I was on a new medication which I'm still taking, which has seemed to be pretty decent so far. A couple weeks in the doctor told me to raise my dosage and about a week after that I started to feel over medicated, and my behavior got more impulsive and I was sleeping a lot more and feeling more crappy. I spoke to my doctor and got the "ok" to lower my dosage back to the previous dose.
   Ever since then I have felt good at times and really crappy at times, at least a portion of everyday has me depressed. I'm eating healthier and trying to exercise which helps in the moment but it doesn't last very long. My mood is very up and down and I'm doing everything that I can including meditating, which like I said isn't lasting all that long.

  In May 2013, halfway into my therapy program, I needed money. I started working as a webcam performer which is basically live solo pornography. Ever since it has been my full-time source of income, and I hate it so much. It is so degrading, the website takes most of the money, and it makes me very un-happy. So I know this is contributing a lot to my state of being. Since I'm transgender, and I believe discriminated against, it has been very hard for me to find normal employment. I stopped trying for a while and just gave up, but recently started up the job search because what I'm doing now is just now working for me anymore. I'm not happy with it, it's not the most reliable, most of the money that I bring in goes to the website, I get 35%, and I'm home all day doing something I don't enjoy.
 
 I have been trying to get into school, because I want to do the Pharmacy technician program, but I haven't had any luck. I don't qualify for financial aid because I'm under 24 . They base it off of your parents income when you are under 24 regardless if you live with or separate from your parents. It makes me angry because I'm stuck right now and can't better myself education wise all because my step-father, who isn't my actual father, makes too much money. I support my self completely with no help from anybody and I cant get help to go to school, because a man who is not my father makes too much money, I'm sorry but its bullshit. I have applied to 3 different schools with all the same things holding me back. I qualified for loans but, they only covered less than half of the program.
   So now its a waiting game, and the next best thing I can do is to find a better job that gets me interacting with people and doesn't make me unhappy. In the meantime I have applied to volunteer at a thrift store and I'm waiting to hear back.

So I'm going to continue to make positive choices even though it might not feel like anything gets better. These things take time, but it has been a long time coming for me.

Thank you to whom ever reads this.

Help a girl out :)??

http://www.gofundme.com/4w2gvg   

My New Baby: Giuseppe (G-Sup) Zanotti

I finally got a little friend to come home to everyday! He is much more fun than Michael my Betta fish. I got me the cutest 11 week old kitten, he was about 8 weeks when I got him from a woman on Craigslist. He is a feral kitten who was abandoned when his mother was killed. He was one of the only ones to survive his litter. The woman who was giving him away has a problem with feral cats where she lives and captured them so she could fix them to prevent new kitties. I'm so glad she didn't get to his mother!!!
   When I got him he was scared and had little to no human interaction. He instantly warmed up to me as soon as I picked him up,and we have been close ever since. He is the greatest kitty ever with a ton of energy and a ton of love to give. He is truly a life saver!!

THIS Bitch

I'm back BISHES


So when I decided to join the dark and mysterious world of online dating, I didn't know what I was getting my self into. I thought I would try it because everybody else was doing it, and that made me feel better that I wasn't the only person who doesn't have a life and can't meet people in real life. Although it isn't all that bad, my experiences were very interesting and on the more not cute side. Very annoying men who just want sex, and the ones who have never seen a vagina in their entire life seemed to be the only ones that sent me messages. Of course I let all these bitches know I'm a tranny, because come on I don't want to die before I get my tits done and my leopard shoulder tat.
   Anyways, I decided I would meet up with this guy who I had been talking to for 3 or 4 months who seemed like a nice guy, and someone that I would just stay friends with. When he arrived without the pizza and tequila for margaritas that he assured he would bring, I instantly knew he wasn't going to be the type of friend that was worth keeping. We had a decent time hanging out, but I realized he was totally not going to be in my life, because he was annoying, immature, his pants were too big, he talked about stupid things, and he lacked the food and alcohol. I mean nobody in there right mind would keep that shit around.
  After he left, I deleted his number and went on to talking to the other guys that I had been meeting. He would text me a lot, and it got to an increased number of times to the point I had to ask him to stop because I didn't want to be friends. He got overly upset, and I was like what the fuck we have only met once and clearly wasn't that great. He wouldn't stop texting me even after I asked him to stop. I would go on the dating site to look at my messages, and I would get a text or a message asking me why I was online, that's when things started to get not just irritating, but really creepy. Being as stubborn and pig headed as I am I never listened to anyone: my mother, family, stories from the media etc, about online dating gone wrong.  I always thought that only happened to stupid naive little girls who believed everything they were told. Although I'm not stupid nor naive, I started to realize at this point that them bitches were right, this kind of stuff can happen to anybody.
  When things started to get this creepy and borderline stalkerish, I decided to block his number and block him from emailing me on the dating website. This bitch gets the bright Idea to change his number so he can contact me, at this point I was just furious and started ignoring him instead of resulting to my favorite childish behaviors of telling him off. I blocked his number and continued to ignore this fuck face, hoping he would get the idea that hes a psycho and that I don't want to talk to him. I then went through this same process of him changing his number and me ignoring and blocking him 2 more times. Like what.the.fuck.dude. I know i'm amazing, but you need to get off my tit and go find some other bitch you can smother with a pillow. For reals though.
  Things quieted down for almost a month and by that point the bitch was completely erased from my memory until he changed his number AGAIN. That's some crazy straight jacket type shit, and I'm the one with mental issues??!??! So by that point I was even more fed up and called my girl and told her what was going on. This was also at the same time her boyfriend was plastered as fuck and prank calling people. It probably was a mistake giving those two his number because he, being as hilarious as he is, called the guy up saying some shit like I was his bottom bitch and to leave me alone or he would beat his ass. I didn't know he said that, and all of a sudden I get another message from stalker asking if I had a pimp. I thought it was hilarious and immediately knew who put that in his head. And I got those same texts all night long. That being as funny as it was probably was a mistake because it just added fuel to the fire, and caused him to keep texting and me blocking his number again.
  Then it was like it all stopped. I didn't hear from him for what felt like a while and I was so happy. He did it again last fucking night and I refuse to change my number so I guess I will just have to keep blocking him. I got very angry and told him I didn't care about him, he is pathetic, immature, and needs to seek help. I told him if he really cares about me he will buy me my turquoise Michael Kors Hamilton and then leave me alone for ever. (bad idea) I was kinda joking though!!!!! He then called me a few names. So happy! Hopefully he will leave me ALONE!!!!! Over this shit, and I deleted all my online dating accounts because of him and because men are worthless and I want to spend my life being a gypsy in a teal airstream trailer with 25 cats and a parrot that says dirty words. That is going to be my life and I'm going to have 35 felonies from running a prostitution ring and taking men for all that they have :) MY LIFE <3 p="">
GOODNIGHT BISHES
LOVES IT.

           I haven't been writing as much blog postings as I would like to. I find that blogging for me is very therapeutic, and I believe It's a positive thing, not just for me, but for others as well. I Know for me, it is very soothing to be able to go onto YouTube and view somebodies video blogs, because often times I can Identify with them. That being said, I'm seriously going to try and write more postings.

Lately I have been doing better than I have been doing in the past. I think a big part of my new found comfort is due to the fact that I'm cutting out all the negative people from my life; my father,  his schizophrenic girlfriend, and the whole slue of white trash welfare mooching convicted felons. I cut them with a whole bunch of other negative people out of my life, because you just have to surround your self with actual human beings who have morals and positive energy. The family that I do have, which is quite a bit, are there for me and give me a strong support system. I have amazing friends, one in particular who is more like a sister to me and things are just going really good for me. I'm able to walk down the street with a smile and not have homeless men come up to me and tell me to smile. I honestly never knew that I was walking around with such an expression, but I guess I was. School is going great and I'm making really good grades. I'm working my way to the top and to become the best person I can be.



Kourt

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